Human beings are funny creatures. Our brains tend to be fundamentally lazy. We like patterns. We like being comfortable and having a routine, even when it’s not a great routine or a great pattern to be in.
When I work with family members, one of the goals of our conversations is often figuring out how to disrupt the patterns we’re caught in so we can get a different result with our loved ones. After all, if nothing changes, nothing changes—and we need things to change.
But we want things to change for the better in the long term. The frustrating part is that, in the short term, things can seem worse. That can scare us back into our old, comfortable patterns. We start thinking, “It didn’t work like I expected. Things didn’t get better, so I might as well go back to what’s comfortable.”
And then we’re right back where we started: things staying the same—or, in the case of substance abuse, often getting worse over time.
Here’s something I think is important to remember, change is needed, and it might feel worse in the short term because change is uncomfortable for everyone. Your loved one might, in essence, lose their shit. Yes, I said that.
I believe people do better when they know what to expect. When you start making necessary changes to disrupt patterns of behavior, things may get rough, but the change can still be essential.
It’s kind of like losing weight. In the beginning, it can be really hard. We haven’t developed good habits yet, and we may feel weird and hungry because we’re not used to changing how much or what we eat. Our stomachs are saying, “WAAAIIIITTT!!!! That’s not enough!” even when we’re eating enough. It can feel uncomfortable. And when we add exercise to the plan, our bodies may feel tired and sore at first.
A lot of people go back to what they were doing before because it feels so yucky in the beginning. And if it feels yucky, it must not be working, right? Not necessarily. Change can feel uncomfortable, and it can take consistency and time before you see the results. Slowly but surely, you may start feeling better, settling into a new routine, and building more sustainable habits.
Things won’t get better, though, if you don’t start somewhere and allow yourself to get a little uncomfortable. This is why so many of us struggle with setting boundaries with our loved ones. It’s unfamiliar. It’s new. It means creating different patterns. And yes, at first, it can feel bad. You might question whether you’re making the right decisions. Are you being too harsh? Are you being too soft? What if this happens because you’re making a change? And so many more questions.
That’s why it’s important not to try to do this by yourself. We need help. We need guides. When you’re trying to lose weight and don’t know where to start, you might hire a personal trainer, at least for the exercise part. Personal trainers can be helpful not only for education, but for accountability, too. For the food part, maybe you research good recipes and learn about what foods are healthy and filling, and how to balance protein, fats, and carbs.
The important thing to remember is that we don’t have to make changes by ourselves. Trying to do it alone is often where we get stuck and revert to our comfortable, but ineffective, patterns of behavior.
If you’re tired of being stuck in your patterns and you’re ready to make real change, please reach out, you can simply reply back to this email.
